It is very human to seek advice in our decision-making. We pay a lot of our hard-earned cash for expert advice on just about everything in our lives - health, finances, our vehicles, our relationships, parenting - and the list goes on. Forbes Magazine reported self-help (improvement) books and items topped $11 billion in 2008 and this market is growing by 6.2 percent annually. Advice columns in newspapers are often the first page many of us turn to. We read about crazed in-laws, abusive bosses, cheating spouses and much more with hopefully possible solutions. We long for answers to our problems - a how-to-cope blueprint.
It is good solid advice to maintain a healthy skepticism when we are seeking expert advice. Ask a lot of questions, and if the expert doesn't listen, go someplace else. Seeking second opinions is also recommended.
When my oldest son was about 9 years old, he and I happened to be driving somewhere when I spied a second-hand store that had just opened. Since we had a few minutes before we had to be wherever it was we had to be, I quickly pulled into the parking lot and brought my reluctant son in the store with me. While I was looking around, my bored son wandered off but soon returned with what looked like quarters wrapped in dirty Saran wrap. He had recently started coin-collecting and wanted to buy these coins, explaining that he didn't have any money with him but did have some at home and he would repay me promptly.
His word was always good, but the larger issue was that this dismal-looking roll of coins cost $10.50. I preached to my son that this purchase was a total waste and a very poor decision. He nicely pleaded his case so I relented and reluctantly paid for the coins. Later, when we arrived home, my son quickly repaid me and then dashed over to our coin collector neighbor with one of the coins. Ever so quickly, my son returned with $25. The next day he peddled his bike, with the rest of the coins in his pocket, to the weekly market where there was a coin dealer where my son sold the rest of the coins for a very significant profit. End of story.
Should we give advice to strangers? This can be a slippery slope. What about a frustrated parent who is screaming at her disruptive child in a public place? How about in a restaurant when you notice a man returning to his table who has forgotten to zip his pants? The best advice is to take it on a case-by-case basis. My personal opinion is, if we can save people from embarrassment, help them. Ask yourself the question: If it were me, would I want someone to help me? Keep in mind, it's all in the presentation. Gentle, polite and discrete will go a long way.
The author Erica Jong gives advice about taking advice. This includes listening to your gut reaction to what you are being told, while also considering who is giving you the advice. Jong goes on to suggest that we need time to process what has been said and to reflect on the given advice. She further suggests getting a second opinion. I may add that maybe we need several more opinions.
Dr. Art Marman writes ("What is the Best Way to Give Advice?" Psychology Today, April 16, 2010) that he found that factual information is the most viable and useful kind of advice that we can give and receive. He claims people find it the most helpful when they are told about aspects of their options which they did not know previously. With additional pieces of information, we can be more cognizant of aspects of a potential decision we have never before considered. Good solid information provided justification for a good choice.
The wise old Buddha is alleged to have said, "If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?"
(Dr. Donna Pinter is founder and director of Psychological Services Clinic, Bloomsburg, Danville and Sunbury. "Slice of Life" appears on this page each Sunday.)